Light Cue 23

I think it is inevitable that in a close knit community like the theatre feelings of jealousy and envy would arise. I know this from personal experience. It has taken a fair amount of work on my part to come to the understanding that sometimes other people are more suited to a particular project. That just because I may not be chosen for something does not mean my work is somehow invalid.

Now, I have been very fortunate with the projects I have gotten, but still this reality remains. After all, I am in essence in competition with every other lighting designer in New York for every project that comes up. It can be a little daunting to think in those terms. It can get intense. Sometimes this competition is between me and a total stranger, sometimes it is between me and a close friend.

Strangers are easy. I don’t know them, whatever. Friends can be more difficult. it can be hard to see a friend working on a project that I might feel I am “perfect for.” Yet, that often arises. Sometimes this can happen not even with other lighting designers. Sometimes it might be a director friend who is doing something that I want to be involved in. Sometimes the feelings can arise when it is a project that I have turned down myself, for any number of reasons, scheduling, low fees, etc.

Human emotions are a strange and curious thing. In a field like this one must become vigilant that one does not become ruled by these fleeting passions. Because in the end they are fleeting and there is no good that can come from undermining personal and professional relationships because of a temporary situation.

Most recently this came up for me with a project in California. The director and set designer both wanted to work with me, but the company has a regular house designer they work with who would not give up the slot. So, despite these two people who wanted to work with me, I was unable to land the contract.

When i found out, there was this rush of emotion, primarily jealousy focused towards the situation. Of course, once this all subsided, I realized that on average, this was in fact a good situation. I was not rejected because of something I did. nor was my work not valued, nor was there a lack of desire to work with me. Rather it was some wholly independent factors that led to the situation.

Along with the jealousy thing there is another trait that is very important. Scruples. Sure, I suppose one could build a career on taking projects away from someone else. One could go out sweet talk directors and producers into taking projects away from other designers, but in the end this can only lead to disappointment. Even if one does not believe in the karmic debt accrued through such actions, the reputation one might gain from such things is bad enough.

For that, if for no other reason, one would never want to engage in such actions. I for one get a sick feeling when I think about those sort of actions and try and remove myself from situations whereby such actions might even be interpreted, let alone perpetrated.

It takes a bit of work, but I have found it infinitely valuable to find simple joy in the success of my fellow designers and theatre artists. Sometimes it can be difficult but on balance finding that core of acceptance and care is much more healthy and in the end strong way to live than a decent into petty jealousy and in fighting.